I don't even know who I am anymore. I haven't been myself lately and I'm not quite sure if it's a good thing or if it's a bad thing. All I know is that I just feel...different. I think I've lost myself. I'm so pessimistic and cynical and I don't know why. I used to be so happy and optimistic. I'm not satisfied with anything anymore. Material things or not, I'm just not satisfied. I wonder if I seem different to those around me. If only they could see things from my perspective. I just feel as if I've let go of everything...my hopes and dreams. I'll go out and party and the drinks will be flowing but that's only temporary happiness. It's not genuine at all and what I strive for is genuine happiness. My world is falling apart and all the bullshit that's going on in this crazy world isn't helping. It hurts me to see all these disasters happening. It's amazing how I can feel for those who are feeling the effects of the disasters first hand. That's my humanity. There's still some of the old me left, but its buried deep inside the new me, whoever that is. I saw this somewhere yesterday and I really liked it:
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside each of us. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith." The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?" The wise old Cherokee replied simply, "The one you feed."
This little story relates to my situation right now. The two wolves inside of me and fighting for control over me....and apparently it's the evil that's winning.
