can't this bitch just disappear forever?

So, I had a friend last year who I considered a really good friend of mine. We got along great, I absolutely loved having her around. The friendship ended last year, early summer, I think. I won't go into details too much, but she blabbed to the guy I was seeing at the time, some of which she said wasn't true, but that ended my "relationship" with him. And her. Anyway, it's weird because lately I've been missing her a lot. I miss having a friend as crazy as I am. I miss going for sushi and getting drunk and taking pictures. I miss having sleepovers, I miss sunbathing on top of the big hill at the skatepark and singing "Caress Me Down" by Sublime. I miss everything we used to do together. As much as I hate to admit it, I do. I would like to be friends with her again, but I think there was too much done in the past on both parts for us to go back to how we were before. I wish I could rewind and re-do some things differently. Sometimes I wonder if she feels the same way but has trouble admitting it like I do. Here I am admitting it though.

As much as I've felt myself missing that friendship in the past little while, I found out something extremely disturbing, involving her. I recently found myself developing sort of a "crush" on this guy I was hanging out with. He would come to the strip club with me, I'd accompany him to the club...yeah. It wasn't anything serious, we only hooked up once or twice. It was kind of the type of thing where we were attracted to each other and had fun together. He was such a gentleman too, always paying for drinks - even though I only drink the expensive stuff. If I was at the strip club, I'd call him to come and see me and than at closing time we'd go back to his place to "watch movies". On those two occasions we watched Goodfellas and Entourage. I didn't really pay attention though. Anyway, on Friday my best friend told me that my ex-friend recently hooked up with him as well. I was absolutely sick to my stomach, and the four martinis I had didn't help much either. I'm just so upset, distraught, disgusted, appalled...and just...sad? I don't know. I know it's not HER fault since I don't know how she'd know about me hooking up with him. It's HIS fault. Here he is hooking up with two girls, ex-friends, who he knows are enemies. I feel like such a fool. Mostly because I've been missing her, and than I hear this. Things would just be so much easier if she just disappeared. Forever.

I just miss the good days, when everything was simple. When everyone got along...